I accidentally had phone sex last night
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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