my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
