Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
