Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I need help removing her.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
