she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
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Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
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Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah