Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(661): View more from California

What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito

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(417): View more from Missouri

Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel

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(847): View more from Illinois

Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.

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(514): View more from Quebec

apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island

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(830): View more from Texas

Please don't give away my fajitas

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