What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Please don't give away my fajitas