It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
