Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
