Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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