Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
