there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
