I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Randomize
