Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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