I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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