he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
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I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
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I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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