I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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