And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
