she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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