Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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