I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
