i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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