Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
