How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
