Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
how drunk are you?
Several
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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