If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
