For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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