I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
