Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
