I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
