i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
