why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
