girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
