when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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