ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
