Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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