I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
