I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
