I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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