From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You pole danced in your parka.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
