Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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