Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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