My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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