best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
