onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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