btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
