I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
