Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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