Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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