I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
