planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
