2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
