I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
