Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
