I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
