Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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