Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This is my gift to your gina
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
